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about

I’ve tried to avoid the obvious, the angry, bombastic sixth Doctor. I prefer the incarnation we see towards the end of the trial - reflective, inclined to more elegiac speeches. True, he seemed exasperated by Mel’s advocacy of diets and exercise (which seemed to match this record’s theme), but I like to think he’d look back on it, after Big Finish’s softening of the character, with an affection and appreciation.

My use of stateside ‘pants’ (like ‘math’ in the previous song) is really just there to annoy British fans.

lyrics

In all my travels through space and time
There’s cheddar and chips, and gouda and lime
Fourme d’Ambert of sweetest blue
They’re still in the deli compared to you!
They cheese that won me, cheered me, grew me
Barbecued Halloumi.

But now I put that course aside
For healthy juice and exercise
Nevermore a stilton pie
Nevermore a butterfly
If Melanie Bush ever truly knew me
She’d serve up Halloumi

Now trial by fire can raise my ire
And trial by ice will faze me
But to try and get lean
On a rowing machine
Why, Melanie, you amaze me.

Now Evelyn liked her chocolate cake
And Perpugilliam could make
The most enticing sauerkraut
But that’s not what I dream about.
A single, succulent slice’d do me,
Flavourful Halloumi.

My feta feast has fed me fat
There’s nothing especially wrong with that
But Mel’s austerity and fasting
Regimen is everlasting
If I break and snack, so sue me!
… I’d want Halloumi.

Now trial by fire can raise my ire
And trial by ice will faze me
But to try and get lean
On a rowing machine
Now, Melanie, you amaze me.
Are you trying to erase me? I mean…

Constant culinary dismay
In time, I’m sure I’ll wither away
And as my pants grow hollow and roomy
Still I’ll crave Halloumi (echoed)

Now trial by fire can raise my ire
And trial by ice will faze me
But to try and get lean
On a rowing machine
Now, Melanie, you amaze me.

The Grand Dame of the Grand Guignol
Would save me from cholesterol
The grand fromage - she’s likely right
To keep my from my sweet delight
The cheese that cheered me, won me, grew me,
Barbecued Halloumi.

credits

from Time and Relative Digressions on Cheese, released June 30, 2015

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Ben Swithen Sheffield, UK

Ben Swithen is a person.

Here you can find their music - solo work, and a Doctor-Who- and-Cheese double-concept concept-album by The Potential Bees (who are a two- or three- person band), which forces both concepts into every song).

You can also find Ben Swithen on Youtube, but why would you even?
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